When I retire....
Mood:  vegas lucky
When I retire I will live at a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:

Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The Grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?

So . . .

When I reach the Golden age

I'll face it with a grin.

Just forward all my email

to: me@Holiday Inn!

Kemosabe Waters the Bushes
Mood:  d'oh
One day Lone Ranger and his sidekick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger had to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams.

He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venom."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger, and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says, "Doctor say you gonna die!"

Getting Older!
Mood:  smelly
When I was a kid adults used to bore me into submission on how hard things were when they were growing up.

There walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an week just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I'm beginning my thirties, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

Man, they have it SO easy!

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-- with a pen! AND then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the friggin record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over some part of it and screw it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

You couldn't just download p*rn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jack-off to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog!

Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy sh*t like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics were garbage! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...Do you feel me!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it way too easy. You're spoiled, I swear!! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

Two Little Boys Are In A Hospital
Mood:  accident prone
Two little boys are in a hospital and are lying next to each other. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second replies, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second boy then asks, "What are you in here for?"

The first boy replies, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!!!"

Advantages of Breastmilk
Mood:  hungry
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:

"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.

Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

Obituary
Mood:  don't ask
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still know him pass this on, if not you can give him a second death.

wow....you gotta wonder about people like this...
Mood:  accident prone
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pickup some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

MasterCard Wedding
Mood:  caffeinated
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope....

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.


After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends ..........................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ..........................................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ....................................................$8,500.


The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man
..........................................................Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard.

Facts of Life
Mood:  cool
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Life is like a roll of toilet paper - the closer it gets to the end the faster it goes!

~When the rain comes falling down, and you're lonely as the night grows colder, don't worry cause I'll be there for you. When your dreams seem far away, take a moment to look over you're shoulder,
I'll be there.~

Church Bulletin Bloopers
Mood:  not sure
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:"

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance ! to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

10. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

13. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

14. Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help.

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. music will follow.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

19. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

20. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

23. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

24. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M..-prayer and medication to follow.

25. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

26. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

27. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

28. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan.