Obituary
Mood:  don't ask
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still know him pass this on, if not you can give him a second death.

wow....you gotta wonder about people like this...
Mood:  accident prone
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pickup some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

MasterCard Wedding
Mood:  caffeinated
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope....

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.


After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends ..........................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ..........................................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ....................................................$8,500.


The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man
..........................................................Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard.

Facts of Life
Mood:  cool
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Life is like a roll of toilet paper - the closer it gets to the end the faster it goes!

~When the rain comes falling down, and you're lonely as the night grows colder, don't worry cause I'll be there for you. When your dreams seem far away, take a moment to look over you're shoulder,
I'll be there.~

Church Bulletin Bloopers
Mood:  not sure
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:"

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance ! to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

10. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

13. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

14. Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help.

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. music will follow.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

19. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

20. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

23. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

24. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M..-prayer and medication to follow.

25. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

26. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

27. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

28. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan.

How To Stay Young!!!!
Mood:  energetic
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Really Good Jokes!
Mood:  sharp
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

_______________________________________________________________


After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him "Was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?"

Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million."

So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famous, her prices had gone up quite a bit. So Bill paid $10,000 for a night with Divine.

In the morning he said, "That was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself Devine.

"She answered "Thank you, and now I know why you call your company 'Microsoft'."

______________________________________________________________


When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?", responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

______________________________________________________________


A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

__________________________________________________________


A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to
the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and
put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle."

Area 51 Mix-up
Mood:  d'oh
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Whoever Wrote This Should Be Applauded!
Mood:  bright
1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters and there are no computer programs that track how many times an e-mail is forwarded, let alone by whom. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class action checks.

2. Proctor and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic.

3. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people.

4. The Gap is not giving away free clothes. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true."

5. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell bent on believing the kidney theft ring stories, see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm

And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. " None have. That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.

6. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. If you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

7. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?

8. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm that an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses.

9. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights.

10. You cannot shoot a person for being stupid. If stupidity was a crime, it would not be punishable by death. (The things you learn in the military!)

11. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. (Think Cut and Paste) It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ^^^ that begin each line either. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it.

12. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.

13. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. Also, the American Cancer Society does not give 3 cents for each person you forward e-mail to. They ask for you to donate money, money, they don't give it, as if they could know how many e-mails you sent out... sheesh.

14. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't," -then something bad will happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley.

15. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, but forwarding an e-mail won't help their cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross.

16. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about.

17. KFC really does use real Chickens with feathers and beaks and feet. No, they really do. Why did they change their name? In this health conscious world, what was KFC's name? Kentucky FRIED Chicken.
FRIED is not healthy. So with the help of a focus group, they changed the name to KFC. It's short, doesn't offend dieters and it's easy to remember.

18. Another thing, just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true.

PS: There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long distance companies to charge you for using the Internet. Bottom Line... composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public rest room. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven false... ASSUME it's false, unless there is proof that it's true.

 ===== "Each task is a self portrait of the one who did it. Autograph your work with excellence." by Thomas Jefferson

Weirdest Thing!
Mood:  don't ask
So, I hear this from a trusted source, who told me, at a BIG comic convention a couple of months ago, some guy comes up to an artist, and well, basically asks for a drawing of a dragon... with a... PENIS!

WTF?

Yes, it's true. Furthermore, it wasn't me, or my source, but as he told me, this guy was "beating around the bush", and finally wanted a dragon... with a... PENIS!

WTF!

I mean, keep your fetishes on-line for the "alt.Dragons-with-penises" newsgroups!